something about girls dying in the pond behind the big house. hugh dennis comes to give a talk about lots of people we haven't heard of. john walker asks where everyone is.

a couple of nights ago my friends and i were camped out in the woods in a woody allen film looking for bears. we were trying to teach them how to dig, but then realised they didn't need our help when we saw one ski past us joyfully.

in a taxi with a whitehaired italian man who is telling me about how it will take him years to learn english properly. he is talking with all the words in the wrong order, but i still understand him. i tell him that this is what learning language means: to be able to communicate creatively so as to tell people things in a new way.

directing a play but as i'm still working it fails to move through preliminary rehearsals - too many phonecalls interrupting. after that i stop working and start co-directing a play about death with nick. there are no actors. nick starts bragging foolishly about the book of the dead to some passing tourists i suspect may have been spies, and i bump into a rabbi in the library who looks at me knowingly. our book of the dead is different and after we finish we won't need any more religion. we stop worrying about copyright and start working in earnest.

i was at a rowing competition with karen and catherine. while everyone was racing, i went upstairs in the mill and dragged a boy down who had fallen asleep in a sack. he was pissed off that i'd woken him up and i made him join in the festivities.

then i was going out with a silverhaired boy in fellini's rome and he was from an asylum. i almost got arrested by a policeman when my carthorse was helping me take supplies down the main street. then i went to visit my boyfriend who seemed to be fast asleep in the waiting room at the asylum, and realised i was really late for university classes. he said "it's okay, my friend sorted out a doctor's note for you" but when i try and leave an orderly stops me saying, "patients can't go out like that". they think i'm a real patient and i'm not allowed out again, and when they take me to my cell i try really hard not to struggle, because i know they'll think i'm violent and never let me out. once in the cell, however, i am under restraints and keep moaning in claustrophobic fear.

after i wake up i instinctively know that boyfriend rigged the whole thing deliberately so i wouldn't leave him, even though i don't realise this in the dream. the fuck.

something about the goat that was special. all the cows were turning into boys. tried to explain to dad i was eating meat again. but he was fixated with the goat for some reason.

everyone into the sea and swim through the harbour gates. the waves rising black and terrible above us. bianca asks me "what way up am i pointing?" and i can't answer.

won a competition at work. the prize was a corn-on-the-cob. and all i thought was: "oh. but i bought corn at sainsbury's earlier."

the woman from the garricks turned to being only one foot high in work after revealing that she didn't know what a pdf was. my friends took me out and on a plane ride but we had to crash land twice to reset certain instruments. after the second time i just got out to find the train. i was there with chris and we had some kind of argument about smoking (i think) and i stormed off saying something like "it's tragic how childish i am". the space between the train and the platform dropped for a million miles but i found a seat at last.

franka had to park the car like a rocket launcher, only she parked it so steeply that we rolled backwards onto the car's top. lucking italian cars are manufactured for such eventualities and we were able to right ourselves just by swinging the handbreak.

the gangster's rules for going to the toilet in the middle of the night were 1) select your own torch and not somebody else's (and so it is helpful to always mark your torch in some way) 2) creep, don't walk 3) once you flush, check it all goes down 4) check for ghosts in the cistern.

it was right after the presentation that they started flooding his underground palace, and we all got out. then i got accused of not knowing anything about british history from a man asking us random questions on a street corner. i couldn't be bothered because i was slightly annoyed at myself for not having gone back to look for survivors.

few days ago:

we were escaping to the rooftops of london when it started exploding around us. first the gherkin. then st pauls. then canary wharf, right next to us, then some of the other offices went shooting up like fireworks.

we fled into the catacombs and i lost everyone.

weds 1 sep

uma thurman wanted me to escape. she held him off for me but i wasn't able to get away that time. i eventually made it as far as greece, but he found me. when we flew back into boston though, i finally managed to escape. i went outside, saw jim and amanda at the bus stop, claimed some strange plastic envelopes from them and thought "i am free in boston - what shall i do?"

mon 30 aug

wanting to ride my horse towards rehearsal building then i realise it's a labrador and it doesn't corner well so i take it back home. when i get into town i have to arrange rehearsal rooms for everyone. all the music opens some sort of fissure in our sense of reality, and jess and poppy get sucked through into the nuclear difference before it closes. we know it's okay though, because we made everyone sign a disclaimer before playing.

thurs 26 aug (a reason to start blogging again)

marry someone i don't remember. think it's the father then it's the son. no good. then this boy i know somehow offers instead. his parents are russian. he is sweet. i try to be as kind as possible, but there's also this tutor of mine who i suspect is in love with me.

the tutor's name is mark and he writes me a note saying that he's given me a book that i must treasure and take care of while i read and then return it to him. i am confused as to what book he's talking about then i see him and my friend holding hands and realise it was her all along. even though i love my own boy, this makes me embarrassed and very sad.

anyway, that day i have an interview and mum is helping me buy trousers as i only have pyjamas on. later on i am meant to go back to my boy and we are going to learn russian together. i don't though, as the sadness i feel about the tutor has made me angry and i decide to go into the school with a friend of mine and rescue the tiger that the tutor makes live there.

when my friend and i arrive, now dressed in combats carrying a handgun and a shotgun i recognise from playing Goldeneye, Mark has turned into Tim Curry who is slowly turning blue and painted, lying in a double bed, surrounded by students, and i see he is turning into the wicked witch of the east (even though she was green). then i realise that his bed is the bed from bedknobs and broomsticks and it is starting to shake as someone has engaged the mechanism that starts it.

i run across the room screaming "bedknobs and broomsticks! bedknobs and broomsticks!" and see some old schoolfriends near the bed and try to push them onto the bed before it disappears. we all fall on the floor. someone starts shooting so my friend and i leap and run to the upper level. that's when i see the armed forces arriving outside.

somehow, after more shooting and a slide down an inside drainpipe right under their noses, i get out of the building and just walk out, in my combats, right past the police, holding my hand out in pain. i see medics in the carpark and say "no i'm okay, but you should see what's coming", because while protecting myself i know i killed a lot of men inside.

my other friend is out too and we are on the run. the police have psychics tracking us so we change our clothes in a poor attempt to confuse them. there are also aliens tracking us who wear spandex and have antlers. at a service station i see lisa kudrow tickling kevin bacon's chin and making fun of the way he eats. this upsets me and i cry "don't do that to kevin bacon" before taking a shot at lisa kudrow then running on.

in the end my friend and i split up and i run into some coloured house streets in bristol, but then i move on and head for the beach. a policeman catches me and goes to shoot me in the head but i yell "unarmed unarmed" because i don't want to die and it is a relief to be able to stop running. he asks me where my guns are. i pull the shotgun out cautiously and give it to him and look around for the handgun. i can't see it. i realise i must have thrown it away when i changed my clothes. the policeman is very kind so it's okay.

i tell him about the tiger i was going to save and realise that i will spend my life in prison and i've thrown away my boy and any chance to grow up or have children with him. i miss my boy incredibly then and wish that the nice policeman had not caught me after all. i see a toy tiger sitting in front of me and ask the policeman if i can take it in. he chuckles "it's not a holiday camp" and we both have a good laugh.

still unhandcuffed then we begin to walk in towards the policestation and i put my hands in my jacket pockets. i realise that the handgun, still loaded, in my right pocket, and i curl my fingers around it as we approach the building.

colin firth

it was the end of the world again only this time with alien-like dinosaurs, all grey and about 4 foot tall, with teeth like velociraptors, and a couple of them were giant T-rex sized. we were in the safe place - the place in the film where you know "they could not possibly kill us here" and i know they're coming so we drive out as the t-rex one eats the movie theater. as we leave we pass my parents' house and i suddenly realise that we have to stop and go look for them, even though i know that they are dead, but i have to know and i have to see them dead so we go back but get distracted by a woman who i think has dogs.

some of it was in turkey.

crossing the carpark on my own to get to the factory and dad tells me not to cross the parking lot on my own. i ask him why and he says "because it's forbidden."

i had to go to london to post something, so i flew into heathrow, went to the post office and then tried to find my way back to the boarding gate. then i realised that actually bil's house in somerville was on the opposite side of the thames to the houses of parliament, and it was snowing, so i didn't need to fly anywhere. i thought i'd go and see my parents, but they weren't in woodbury any more so i hitched a ride with some random guy into topsham, and read my book on the way. i realised i was being rude and so looked up and pointed out some monkeys that were "oohing" and "aahing" on the roadside. one of them jumped at his window and he got a little scared.

cycling through london bump into robin who shows me leaflet of aberdeen fishing thing. he said he didn't care very much for perthshire. the queen is talking at a parade but i don't want to get stuck in the crowds so i try to cycle through a sidestreet instead.

then we're all being lifted off for some conference. jess is wearing a grey suit with a blue stripey shirt, trying to persuade me to only take t-shirts. i've lost my bag though, so i don't have anything. even though we're only going to oxford, the company wants to fly us. we all agree this is ridiculous.

and also there's one guy who's laying bear traps to try and get me. so i walk around and annoy him by missing them. i have to go to get something white so that i can play chess (the white piece is missing) and also get into the restaurant and the big round table you're allowed to smoke at.

then someone takes us for a walk along the canal and all the kids dive in and go swimming but we see all these upturned hands everywhere which mean we shouldn't go in. there are dead things in the water i think but the water is dark and clean and it feels like bradford upon avon. my feet are muddy and i go and change the kitchen roll holder for jess who's having some troubles in the kitchen.

i'm sailing and we set out to win the world. we capsize halfway through the race. i forget the rest.

sailing with dad in a loch at the very top of scotland. it's a barren wasteland and there are dead babies everywhere. the boats are getting bigger. there are abandoned castles on the hills surrounding the lake.

we kidnap some children, only it starts off by watching the fairy queen kidnap juliette binoche who is getting younger and is very happy about it. she's going to start it on two idiots.

we all prance around the house in a musical comedy while the kidnapped kids stay inside and outside in grandma's garden a father and son are moaning that they don't get to play enough together, not enough to make his feet hurt: "and my feet don't hurt" he sings, "no his feet don't hurt" his son sings. so we make them play together a lot more until: "Man, do my feet hurt" sings the father, "Yeah, do his feet hurt" sings the son.

this musical gets really tedious and the finale is a song that everyone sings: "we're not quite the same as before / but we're still not happy"

after everyone leaves i stack up the dishwasher with a psycho killer woman. she has lots of glasses but hasn't noticed a space so i say "there's room for one glass there". she looks at me like she's going to fucking kill me then and there. "fine" i think, and after she's done and has left, i reopen the dishwasher to remove my hairbrush that she put in there too.