i was homer simpson, in a bear suit, trying to get a big "real" polar bear out of my house. i'd put on the costume and then, cartoon style, make noises and things to distract the bear and make him curious and follow slash chase me around then out of the house, at which point i'd then be able to sneak back in and lock him out and say "Ha Ha!". whenever i completed my task, however, i'd suddenly realise that i was the one outside, and the bear was stretched out comfily on my living room sofa smiling. at this point i would exclaim "d'oh". this happened two or possibly three times before i moved on to something else.

trying to fake a shipwreck on a river in texas. the current whips through the rocks quckly, but the man tries to swim across. i drift back around the corner to hide from the children. we get found out, so i have to move on. i leave the dog behind.

two girls are on the news, giving a report of our descriptions, saying we may have been the ones that robbed the bank but they aren't sure. "witchhunt," i think. a man wearing flippers comes out of a concrete tube and walks on water to give his own report to the bbc.

i do know that we both go our separate ways, only the guy that comes to guide the man away is wearing a ralph-the-muppet hat.

i've been writing my manuscript. i hide it from everyone. then i'm in the american civil war and a dusty yankee with a cute seasoned face like a young clint eastwood tickles me and i tell him about it.

my parents are horrified when they discover this (not MY parents - only in the dream - they're young and townie). i step out of the dream to watch, and hear them talking about this civil war bed and breakfast. "do you mean to say that after 26 years, all it takes is one bearded hippy to tickle her and suddenly she turns into a normal girl for 5 minutes?" so they come to the b&b to try and find me but i'm not there (duh - I'm outside watching them). but they do find my manuscript. it's called a similar name to jim's: red c—, may c—, dead c—, gay c— (nb i'm not just avoiding the word cunt here) - and i find that this is actually an original quote from a john donne poem. anyway they take the manuscript away with them but as they don't know what to do with it, i get bored of watching and step back into the dream somewhere else.

when i'm back in, i'm in an office. everyone's turning into zombies but we don't notice at first, a la shaun of the dead. my friend and i get out of the office and wander the streets. we try to avoid the teenagers, but someone rushes past us in a white tracksuit and we fall to the ground. as we roll she grabs my shoulder and kisses me. "no, no," i say "we can't go around kissing everyone, just because we know we're all going to die and we're all curious about what everyone else is like at kissing." "you're right," she says. as it's winter we realise we won't survive without sleeping bags, so we go back to the office (which has now turned into a pub) to get a sleeping bag to share. i reach in through the window, and some of my friends are sat round the table, motionless and silent. i'm suddenly aware they're acting weird. "what, you don't think we're zombies do you?" they ask. i'm instantly paranoid and have to run away. i'm really sorry to have to leave my friend but it's life or death.

i end up at some old man's birthday party. it's post civil war time and he's the king. he's setting up an indoor swimming pool to celebrate, and he lives somewhere very hilly and rural. he has a son, who is in his thirties, who is creative and wonderfully intelligent, but painfully shy. even though this is who he is, i see through him and realise that he is also a six year old girl. the king wants his son to be the the center of attention at the party, but his son has to run away if this will happen. no one will tell the king because they're afraid of being fired, but i am a stranger so it's up to me to tell him that his son is actually a six year old girl who is lovely but afraid of being around large groups of people, and that if he forces her to take center stage he will damage her irreparably. the little "inner" girl smiles and giggles at me to thank me for taking her side.

i forget how it ends.

in peru with jim morrison. everyone's taking bizarro drugs. we're at war again, and drive on a jeep up a hill, straight towards where the snipers have been shooting at us. (it's our second time around - last time we got lost) i hold my gun close to me, ready, but the female commanding officer tells me to put it down, as there are too many of the enemy approaching the jeep. we all chat for a little while then decide that there are no such things as sides really, and the enemy let us drive off deeper into the country so that we can kill some people entirely at random - whether theirs or ours. jim remains happy throughout this. his eyes are purple.