we escaped, even though they were trying to kill us. i got very good at dodging the man throwing hand grenades at me - run towards him, run to the left, run back, run to the right... anyway then i was acting like a murderer, because my friend who they'd killed had left £100,000 in the steam train they used to film Back To The Future III, so I climbed aboard and stole it (it was disguised as an old wooden music box), along with the murder weapon. I thought about handing the weapon over to the police, but immediately was afraid of someone planting fake evidence in my flat while I went to the police station. I ended up hiding the knife in the kitchen, but unfortunately I couldn't make the music box play.

on the night the lib dems win the general election i decide to run away. i book a room in a motel, only i'm placed with two men who i think want to sleep with me. instead, i go and hide in my grandmother's back garden. i stand in a waist-high wading pool, more a tall bucket, then see that she's actually home. i put out my cigarette and let myself in. i don't see her, only two men who had come to visit her with yellow teeth. so instead i go to meet jess in town. she and kate are going to a nightclub and jess has a thin blue scarf wrapped in and out of her toes like a snake. i don't want to go clubbing.

resident evil 4 is real. my friends and i are in an opening scene (not real) prior to the one in-game, which is set in a spanish city. we are shopping in the midst of a large crowd in a pedestrianised section of the town, waiting for the actual game to start. a bell tolls slowly. all the shoppers turn to face the same direction and head towards a large church that's just appeared at the end of the road. they are carrying banners and ceremonial masks. the rest of us hang back to figure out what we should try to do. we pull out guns from our boutique bags and head inside. there are mirrored doors everywhere, but none of us are scared and we bolt through the house, knocking heads from zombies as though they're only attached by blu-tak. the closer we get to the top the more suspense we feel, and the enormous climax comes at the peak of a very narrow staircase. unfotunately i can't remember what it was.

as i go into the school hall, i know my three friends, one of whom i'm related to, are going to stab me in the back. i put my hand to the small of my back in preparation for the blow. as the three knives go in they each hurt me in slightly different ways. my back feels as though it is a gaping hole, empty and weak.

they leave me there for dead, bleeding all over the floor. but i'm not dead, and somehow manage to pull myself up and stagger zombie-like to a top floor flat in brooklyn where my now much-more-than-usual italian mother makes me a cup of tea. i have to hide under a table in the living room when the mafia friends that stabbed me come over to lie to her about what happened. i could fight, but i am still weak, and i cannot go to a doctor or they will find me. i say goodbye to my parents forever and tell them i can never contact them without putting them in danger so i just won't.

later, when i get more strength, i go to a restuarant in town and find angela lansbury and tell her everything that happened and she says "well, you know... in your position my dear, what i would really do is run, as far as you can go." i decide not to run away, however, and as i leave the room i open a fake door which is 30 stories up and i drop down to the ground. the city is a rabbit hole, and i feel my wounds shrink into painless scars the size of paperclips.

jess and i are at sea, on a grey day, and the weather is bad so we realise we're not going to make it home. i leave her and decide to go into space, but i have to go to a preliminary meeting first. At this meeting someone sees a small alien, the Sigourney Weaver variety, which I recognise from the film and proceed to tell everyone we should kill it. Everyone is apathetic, not wanting to be shown up in front of the others. Eventually I get a portly policeman to help me scorch it, except unfortunately it manages to get away at the last minute. It gets lost in the crowd, the policeman shrugs, and I go over to a group of the mission potentials and say: this mission is doomed, you know, we'll all come back with aliens inside us. The others say they don't mind though - (aren't aliens caught by sharing saliva anyway? we can avoid that) - they just want to go into space even if it kills them. (It WILL kill them) Ah, I say. Well I'll leave you to it then. The whole affair feelt thoroughly english as I walked away.

i was given a dalmatian, which i had to keep under the operating table because he was scared. eventually i was forced to leave it there, something about the job, and i went home crying about it, incredulous that i could have abandoned it like that. then one of my flatmates brought the dog home to our small yellow room, bleeding, and unconscious, but alive. he handed it to me, and it got smaller as he passed it over, and once it was in my hands i turned the pages of its body and read what had happened to it in my absence and cried again.

we were snowboarding indoors through some kind of marshmallowy substance which made it very difficult to turn but very easy to stop. eventually I did better by putting more weight on my back foot. we got to the bottom of the tunnels to a long footpath that led to a huge tree village. on getting to the trees we had to run and hide because the orcs were coming. the two elderly people everyone hated found a wedding chapel and got married quickly, knowing they were going to die, and everyone found it cute even though we hated them. we rushed to the top of the highest tree in the village only to find that it had been turned into an irish-themed bar, so everyone drank stout, wearing dark hats, while we waited for the orcs to find us.

i visit bianca in hamburg and she is preparing to get married. before, she wants to finish her short story about a grey-haired woman who married the wrong person and remained for ever in love with another man. i remember how to say good morning and buy cigarettes from a kiosk at the train station. i don't remember how to say Chewing Gum.

we play golf with some very respectable strippers who are slowly taken away in a lorry one by one as the game progresses. the course takes us over a small fishing harbour, along the sea wall lined with seagulls. then we are left at the end of the course in a building housing a huge corporation. i lead my friend out as we are chased by men (i know the secret exit through the basement because at familiarisation they showed it to us so we were prepared for terrorist and zombie attacks).

I was sent back in time and ended up in the holocaust. I was trapped in tunnels, and knew I was being hunted by nazis. Something struck me on the head and when I woke up I was in a pile of corpses being thrown into a mass grave. I managed to crawl away, though my bones ached and I was suddenly painfully thin. I had been easily mistaken for a corpse. One of the people helping to throw bodies in to avoid death himself saw me and wrapped me in a blanket and took me to a group of prisoners sitting in the corner of the camp. No one would give me anything to eat as it was too difficult and they didn't want to risk themselves. Then, a nazi officer came by and carried me into his home - an odd wooden underground lodge with no furniture, but very clean. He said he'd look after me for the rest of the war and asked me when I'd last eaten. I said I hadn't eaten since the first year because someone had starved me intentionally. He said it was okay. He knew I wasn't meant to be there. That he was a time traveller too and would make sure I got back to my own time once it was safe to leave. In the meantime, there were dark, large monsters underground, and I had to sit in the clean wooden room alone.