the village my parents live in, topsham, was discovered to have been founded in 1515 which, it turns out, was only 200 years ago. as soon as the pub on the high street discovered this, it changed its name to Spectoral Will Bullion and painted its signs grey. then we find out that topsham was founded on the site of ancient bermuda, and is actually far out at sea, and not in south devon at all. because of this, the americans decide to bomb us, and everything in topsham - from the Bon Bon sweetshop to the Lighter Inn and bus stop - is destroyed. the flames tear through our houses, and our parents' houses, but we're all like "hey, we're in bermuda - cool"

couple of days ago:

jim and i try to find a church to go to the toilet in. we find one in a field. there are lots of non-christians milling around and i think they're all trying to find the toilet. we go inside and get to this big room with lots of cubicles down either side. they look like toilets, with wooden doors, but inside each one is only a little pew and a tiny bidet. jim and i are very confused. "is this how christians go to the toilet?" we wonder. eventually we find one with a toilet, but i don't remember using it.

mum, dad and i rented a house on the slopes of vesuvius. someone threw a tennis ball at me but i ducked and it ripped a big chunk out of the mountain. the volcano started to erupt and we decided it was time to leave. tom sawyer was there too and recommended rafting but we decided it would be too warm for that. we left, but all the animals were left behind, and we all felt very sad. no one mentioned that i should probably have just let the tennis ball hit me. we ended up near a waterfall later and i lost my family in the spray.

i meet the perfect guy on holiday in the country. we go out a few times, then we stay together for the rest of the holiday, a few weeks. it's all just right - not too cute, a little stupid, and it works. he really likes me, and it's all going well. suddenly i feel certain that we'll be together forever. then, one evening, the landlady tells me he's talking to another woman on the phone outside. i go out and it's true. i just stand behind him, incredulous. he turns round and sees me, hangs up, and is horrified that i overheard him. "it's too late, it's just too late" he keeps on muttering, and goes back to the house and kills the landlady using a bulldozer. he buries her and although i feel sad, i mostly just think "typical melodramatic boys". then there's a big fight starring most of the cast of angel and we all dress up in other people's clothes to escape. it's fun.

in california by the sea. i need to rent a room for the night. it's jeff brown's bed & breakfast. he gives me a room, and a paper key that i won't need to use. there are some germans with a small child staying. they're having trouble with their car. i walk to work the next day, and by the time i get there it's time to go home again. i get back to the bed & breakfast and jeff brown and i watch cartoons until it's time to go to bed.

i'm watching a couple have a conversation in bed. he is a man, she is a unicorn with enormous breasts. she thanks him for having taken her to the circus, but is still unsure why he wanted her to see all the other freaks. he's not sure why she's a bit upset. in the end they talk about this new italian restaurant they're going to open up. then i realise they're actually in bed inside an italian delicatessen, which i understand is being sold to them, so that they can turn it into a restaurant. i look outside. seems like a nice area. think it's boston.

the man in the lighthouse says he won't help us, but he takes a small white kitten out of his medical bag and places it on the palm of my hand. it has disappeared by the time i reach home so i spend the rest of my time scouring the dream for it.

i'm buying cigarettes for shuna in kendal and am walking back to tim's house when i see chris standing outside the doctor's surgery, crying, smoking. i ask him what is wrong but he won't tell me. just says something about the whole marriage process and thinking about children, but i feel something is really horribly wrong. i give him a big hug and go back to tim's. jenny is there, but i don't mention that i've seen him.

after they leave, james turns up, and asks if he can use the toilet. tim says yes of course, and then when james is finished, he goes out and brings alice back in with him. he is wearing cycling gear and the lycra looks weird. then i realise we're actually in a hotel, and there is a little girl in the room across the corridor who is being held hostage by a man who pretends to be a doctor in order to get dates with rich women. i want to help her but don't know how, and then we see the front door open up and a woman float in, and we realise it's all supernatural and we have to get a message to the proper authorities somehow, but we have to escape first, because they're on to us, and we'll have to avoid the police, because they'll just lock us in a cell for safety, and the spirits will be able to find us easily then.

so we run as far as we can, through vineyards, dotting up and across the neat furrows - one up, two across, three up, one across - to try and confuse our pursuers. in the end the mounties get us, and i lose all my cds. they laugh at me trying to light a cigarette by putting a match in my mouth, and i'm very nervous and can't work out what's wrong.

zombies everywhere but they're okay. one of my friends is a zombie and he helps us to find good blood. but we're all aware we're going to start getting eaten soon. so we need to find a way to escape. we turn on the television and watch the zombies spreading. we're in scotland, and we want to get back south.

i think about flying a helicopter away, but as i don't know how to fly a helicopter i decide this isn't a good idea. i lose some of my friends, so i go to a big manor house and pace up and down the great hall whilst watching a film projected on to the wall. then some friends show up. i'm glad they're not dead. we need to go though, so we go to the harbour and try to find a boat to take us away.

we climb these very steep ladders on an unfeasibly tall boat and go inside. wilhem dafoe is with me. the woman who owns the ship lets us work for her. she likes marshmallows which she has in a bowl on the desk in front of her.

as we go out on deck we look around and see that the water is full of big impressive schooners and old tall ships, because they're the only means of transport that the zombies can't get on to. i hear some people were in a train that got stopped en route by zombies on the line, and none of the people could get off. we relax a bit now, because the sun is shining and soon we'll be at see. i don't remember what happened to my zombie pal.

tim and i were on some sort of a spaceship at sea - ours had broken so we got lifted onto a big cruiser, and it turns out that all the people on the ship had known us for years because of sailing. we had to sneak into the toilets to kiss so we wouldn't make the others jealous, and he told me he'd applied for jobs on ceefax in glasgow and some place called Leek.

there were lots of us on holiday and andy decided he wanted to sit in the swimming pool for the whole week, much to everyone's despair.

nicky has the ghost of an ex-boyfriend in a bottle. she wants to come into the church to release him and let him destroy the world. we guard the church, but the lock on the front door is a bit shit so she gets in. then she decides she doesn't want to let him out after all.

also, at one point, remember olly (jim's cat) looking over my shoulder, giving me tips on how to paint his portrait properly.

everyone is going to die tomorrow and my mother has made friends with a man in a polish restaurant. he looks familiar. maybe like a youngish peter ustinov? on the way home i see all my friends in their own rooms in a shared apartment building through the windows, spending their last hours talking on the telephone to their friends and families and loved ones who they'd never be able to reach in time before the plague strikes.

living in a frankenstein house near the marina. some woman comes to stay over but decides the house is too scary. then we go out for a drink but daz finds us and invites us all to his indie night, and the woman decides to go back home after all. the black rabbit lets her in. the black rabbit goes back inside, shutting the front door on the cat who is then locked out. i go back and dance. the t shirts are blue but i've changed into a black dress. i don't have any cigarettes.

giorgia doesn't like the leafy mountains because she can't see the snow. i have to chop barbara out of an ice bath and warm her back to life. i see a portuguese woman riding her bicycle through the river into town. i don't take my money to the bank, so mum says we'll stop on our way back. there are boys, and a train journey, and adventures, but i don't remember any of it.

dominos pizza box to press button and get away - you can dial a place - like a teleporter, hiding in the junk food. i have no memory and have to keep asking people what everything is. it's the future and i don't understand anything. there are big fields of black wicker cocoons burning smoke all over the landscape, the size of water towers.

all i understand is that we have to get to the capitol - it's the final location they have found for Ilxx - the last remaining bastion of the imagination. my older brother miles is there, helping and guiding me, although i start to suspect that perhaps he isn't my brother. there is a weird intimacy between us. we manage to escape the inspectors who want to prevent thinkers from gaining acess to Ilxx. I suggest, several times, to the people we're with, that it must be a trap, sent to smoke the rest of us out. Everyone is careful but we have no choice but to go and find out.

We cross the sea and get to the island where the capitol is, where Ilxx is meant to be, but a government jet comes and sees us, coming back for several passes in order to determine how many we are. I manage to get everyone to unravel the foil that we were keeping with the boxes, and we blind the jet pilot and he crashes and is destroyed. I had to sit in the water, and my trousers are wet and I'm shivering. We can't light a fire - it will draw too much attention to us - so I won't be able to warm up before morning.

After waking we make our way in to the capitol, which looks as though washington senate dome has been plonked on top of a steep fairytale bavarian village. from the capitol, we have to get on a shuttle to the moon. which will be easy enough as the flights are so regular, but we have to walk through the town past the bars and the people's entertainment without anyone realising we're not one of them. this means we all have to dress cool. our clothes are a bit off as we've been travelling and teleporting, so we all practise our facial expressions. to our surprise, no one bats an eyelid. if you think you look cool, so will everyone else.

cath and i manage to get on a moon shuttle but we all got split up coming through the crowds and we can't see the others. then i see my brother outside. we try to get out with the pizza boxes, but it's like getting reception on a mobile phone - utterly impossible inside the jet. i go to the top to try and get out to him but i see inspectors coming. he doesn't even see me because they shoot him so quickly. the shuttle starts to leave and i go back to sit down and cath is gone. unfortunately, no one ever told me exactly what to do when i got to the moon. so it would be better to stay and die with miles, but it was too late to try to protect him and now i don't know what will happen when i get away.

i was meant to drive up to visit tim major but i was too tired, and left it too late to get the train. everyone in cumbria was going to see the bears that night, and i was annoyed i was going to miss them. tim was working in a science school as a teacher, but his living arrangements seemed more like those of a pupil.

i spent the afternoon packing my bag ready for the next day, and when i looked out of my window i realised i was in rome, overlooking the england-italy rugby game. the queen mother was sat watching it from my bedroom. it didn't occur to me that she was already dead. i kept packing and ignored the match. i did get to see tim straight after my friend went away to germany, and we both looked gorgeous and went for a walk somewhere outdoors with trees.

i'm in that boating accident i learnt about - where the people on board a yacht in fast-running waters try to help a shipwrecked boat in a bay. they inadvertently hit some rocks whilst trying to get this other boat out, and they begin to sink quickly. there is no time to get aboard the life raft so the two children and their parents jump into the water and try to swim the short distance to shore. however, it's spring tides and the water draws them all out to sea and the whole family drowns.

however, this time i'm playing the part of the 10 year old boy, and i am able to grab hold of the last rock on the spit before the sea. my mother is holding my hand while i have grabbed the rock with the other. my father and sister are behind my mother. i try to pull them up but the current is too strong and my hands are too weak. my mother lets go, not wanting to pull me off. somehow my little sister is also saved but i didn't see this. we both climb to the top of the hill and watch the tiny figures of our parents get carried out to their deaths.

am following two tiny spaniel puppies around while dad goes shopping. one is sitting on the back of the other, being carried, and is mischievously saying the word "bark" to me repeatedly.

i killed someone last night. i was trying to escape from the law. an old man was helping me, in a truck. someone tried to get in the way. i don't remember who. it was a sunny day. i shot them in the head. i was arrested later but was let off because there was no evidence. the bereaved family were screaming at me but i was set free. i woke up with no remorse.

end of the world 28 days later style. we've been hiding indoors playing a real computer game. it involves pushing yourself off the walls and landing on another, in order to avoid being shot, whilst simultaneously carrying around big guns and picking up new ones and trying to shoot all of the bad people slash zombies that are hanging around in the warehouse. i'm not very good at it, but it's my first go. jim's making me play every single game, so that i get better at it quickly.

when it's all finished, everyone gets a plane off the island together. we notice something is wrong with some of the other guests, and there are people on the plane who are being held prisoner. when we land, i find myself carrying my son, running down a railway line with a man. "if we run all the way to london through the tunnels, we can avoid all the chaos, and everyone will die and things will be quiet by the time we resurface" i tell myself. we start to surface and the man runs on ahead. i scream at him to wait, and follow him up, holding my child.

when we get to the top we're at the airport. traffic is insane. there are people everywhere, fleeing. the man has turned into a woman and she has plane tickets. she's going to portugal. "we're coming with you. don't go without us" i have to insist, as she's clearly not too keen on dragging us along with her. we get to the check-in and no one else there knows what they're doing. they can't fill out the forms. but we know what to do - we know how to skip the red tape without getting held up, so we get our forms ready for signing by the authorities. after we do this i look around the hall, thinking quite clearly and suddenly, "all our men are dead."

end of the world in space and we're waiting for it. a big wave is supposed to hit and we're all hiding in a nice house, having gone through the procedure. then nothing happens. "well we're all quite safe in here, you see" says one of the grown ups. "what did you think would happen?"

my friends and i then see a strange little man in black who is trying to touch us, so we run away. we run through my next door neighbour's garden (who is a real person whose garden we used to run through when we were small) and jenna picks a kitten up. she can always find them. "leave it here," i hiss at her "it's not yours."

then we see the little man in black come through the garden gate, and we realise that actually it's not a man at all, but rather, Death. so we all stop running and start feeling a little foolish for having tried to run away from death at all.

i was homer simpson, in a bear suit, trying to get a big "real" polar bear out of my house. i'd put on the costume and then, cartoon style, make noises and things to distract the bear and make him curious and follow slash chase me around then out of the house, at which point i'd then be able to sneak back in and lock him out and say "Ha Ha!". whenever i completed my task, however, i'd suddenly realise that i was the one outside, and the bear was stretched out comfily on my living room sofa smiling. at this point i would exclaim "d'oh". this happened two or possibly three times before i moved on to something else.

trying to fake a shipwreck on a river in texas. the current whips through the rocks quckly, but the man tries to swim across. i drift back around the corner to hide from the children. we get found out, so i have to move on. i leave the dog behind.

two girls are on the news, giving a report of our descriptions, saying we may have been the ones that robbed the bank but they aren't sure. "witchhunt," i think. a man wearing flippers comes out of a concrete tube and walks on water to give his own report to the bbc.

i do know that we both go our separate ways, only the guy that comes to guide the man away is wearing a ralph-the-muppet hat.

i've been writing my manuscript. i hide it from everyone. then i'm in the american civil war and a dusty yankee with a cute seasoned face like a young clint eastwood tickles me and i tell him about it.

my parents are horrified when they discover this (not MY parents - only in the dream - they're young and townie). i step out of the dream to watch, and hear them talking about this civil war bed and breakfast. "do you mean to say that after 26 years, all it takes is one bearded hippy to tickle her and suddenly she turns into a normal girl for 5 minutes?" so they come to the b&b to try and find me but i'm not there (duh - I'm outside watching them). but they do find my manuscript. it's called a similar name to jim's: red c—, may c—, dead c—, gay c— (nb i'm not just avoiding the word cunt here) - and i find that this is actually an original quote from a john donne poem. anyway they take the manuscript away with them but as they don't know what to do with it, i get bored of watching and step back into the dream somewhere else.

when i'm back in, i'm in an office. everyone's turning into zombies but we don't notice at first, a la shaun of the dead. my friend and i get out of the office and wander the streets. we try to avoid the teenagers, but someone rushes past us in a white tracksuit and we fall to the ground. as we roll she grabs my shoulder and kisses me. "no, no," i say "we can't go around kissing everyone, just because we know we're all going to die and we're all curious about what everyone else is like at kissing." "you're right," she says. as it's winter we realise we won't survive without sleeping bags, so we go back to the office (which has now turned into a pub) to get a sleeping bag to share. i reach in through the window, and some of my friends are sat round the table, motionless and silent. i'm suddenly aware they're acting weird. "what, you don't think we're zombies do you?" they ask. i'm instantly paranoid and have to run away. i'm really sorry to have to leave my friend but it's life or death.

i end up at some old man's birthday party. it's post civil war time and he's the king. he's setting up an indoor swimming pool to celebrate, and he lives somewhere very hilly and rural. he has a son, who is in his thirties, who is creative and wonderfully intelligent, but painfully shy. even though this is who he is, i see through him and realise that he is also a six year old girl. the king wants his son to be the the center of attention at the party, but his son has to run away if this will happen. no one will tell the king because they're afraid of being fired, but i am a stranger so it's up to me to tell him that his son is actually a six year old girl who is lovely but afraid of being around large groups of people, and that if he forces her to take center stage he will damage her irreparably. the little "inner" girl smiles and giggles at me to thank me for taking her side.

i forget how it ends.

in peru with jim morrison. everyone's taking bizarro drugs. we're at war again, and drive on a jeep up a hill, straight towards where the snipers have been shooting at us. (it's our second time around - last time we got lost) i hold my gun close to me, ready, but the female commanding officer tells me to put it down, as there are too many of the enemy approaching the jeep. we all chat for a little while then decide that there are no such things as sides really, and the enemy let us drive off deeper into the country so that we can kill some people entirely at random - whether theirs or ours. jim remains happy throughout this. his eyes are purple.