there is lots of fighting in oxford and cambridge - i'm living in oxford. i drive over to cambridge to see a friend. the news is full of it. looks like the biggest riots we've seen for ages. we're all terrified. there's a flood of people trying to leave the city but the roads are being systematically destroyed. then my mum calls and tells me it's all died down in oxford so it's safe to come home. i suddenly realise how alone i will be after she dies - who else will tell me where the fighting isn't? then suddenly i'm richard from "richard and judy" and we've just had ourselves on the show. as the credits roll i fall on my ass and say "thanks for joining us". our other selves look entirely unimpressed.

i'm looking down into a concrete lake from a thin iron bridge, standing next to supergirl. we're watching two turtles try to swim their way out and in the end one of them starts to climb the vertical walls. "pretty neat" she says, but i'm horrified because i know what she's thinking - she wants to fly off to destroy evil and leave the turtles fending for themselves. just then the climbing turtle loses his grip and falls back down and lands on his back, legs waving in the air. she leaves, and i try to clamber down to help the turtle.

poppy and i went sailing in london, france. well, we went walking along the beach and got picked up in the water by some of our friends. then, halfway out of the estuary we thought we should swim back, so poppy and i got into the water. it was tropical, sort of.

poppy had flippers and a snorkel, but i just kept diving down with my eyes open. there were ducks swiming in the water smiling at me, and seals, deeper down at the bottom, looking like labradors. other animals - dolphins, different kinds of fish, then bigger creatures too, strange things that i don't have a name for. then i was breathing under water and, looking up, i couldn't see the surface any more.

edit: i remember other cute animals that we were swiming with - there was a shoal of rabbits. they were a bit skittish.

in an empty house in the middle of the woods. i believe it belongs to my parents. i want to watch tv. the woman there tells me the woods are filled with dinosaurs, and that my parents have bought a dangerous dinosaur called a "dong". "what?" i ask her. i lock myself in the house, a little confused.

then it occurs to me that maybe there's already a dinosaur inside the house. or maybe small ones can get in through the catflap. so i decide to leave the front door unlocked so i can escape easily. but, as i go over to it, it occurs to me that if i unlock it then even more dinosaurs might get in, and i stand by the door for the longest time just trying to work out whether i'd rather leave it locked and potentially get trapped inside the house because the key is too small and fiddly to use easily, or whether i should unlock it and possibly die with an ironic smirk on my face which said "if only i hadn't unlocked the door, the raptors never would have gotten in and eaten me." in the end i leave it locked, but with the key in the door. it further occurs to me at this point that raptors might be smart enough to do that thing where you poke paper under the door, then use a hairgrip to push the key out of the lock on the other side and slide it towards you on the paper, but by this point i'm getting a bit bored so i go back to the tv.

lizzie bought a dead crab in a plastic box to eat, and i made her promise not to bring it here so that jim's crab wouldn't be offended. at the same time i booked a bus from hamburg to brehmerhaven, a town i recognise only through reference in The Sound Of Music, only the woman on the phone doesn't tell me where to pick up my ticket after I've paid. we're sat round the table then, and i only have four days left.

escaping me from off a boat on a boat, up a big underwater tunnel like roger moore. the pipe was blocked though so we only just made it after lots of pushing and almost running out of breath, and as we get on board we say to John Rhys-Davis that "we only gave you one simple job to do and you fucked it up". and he smiles back at us jovially.