i'm up to date now.

at last.

and i have free internet.

no new dreams last night. so this is from a wednesday after 11th November 2001:

teacher hates me says i'm a troublemaker is going to give me a one-to-one with the doctor. no one has a one-to-one with the doctor. like a comic strip. the one-to-one will be a dream within a dream that i can see now before it happens it will be a post-mortem while i'm still alive. they'll clamp my ribcage and snap my chest open while i'm still conscious.

i run away but everyone's on the streets looking for me with shotguns. no one knows what i look like so i dodge them. i have 2 friends with rifles who walk with me, protecting me. one is loveday kitto. there's no freedom without guns.

i see no god so i make up my own commandments like not using public toilets and never answering the phone when entertaining.

yesterday:

jon kept asking me to dye his hair orange and i said you do realise it will be orange don't you and he said no it won't and told me to shut up and just dye it.

mon 21? july

we're all studying in a group at the hospital. after it's our turn i go to find cigarettes and look up people's health records. i have a lot of problems getting the lights on and off and the office looks like the girls' toilets. when i'm finally done i go outside and see mark. he was new. "you're coming in here every night, stealing people's drug supplies - i've been watching you." "no - no i'm not on drugs - no" i scream and he says he won't tell anyone tonight. he'll see me tomorrow. i go back to my flat in the tower block. the next day, i am a little late for the lesson. everone leaves except me and mark. he smiles and says he won't tell this time - everyone deserves a second chance. i begin to cry and he strokes my hair and i know everything will be okay.

thurs 24

my husband is dead and i can't bear to give away any of his shirts. i keep looking at views. i'm on trial suddenly to see if i've ever changed. i say i haven't changed here because here is home, but i changed somewhere else, somewhere different, as soon as i'd gone away from this place. then an old man in the audience stands up and says that he could never move away from anywhere unless he'd felt like he'd changed. i say, "but i have changed", but they condemn me anyway. they say that always behaving the same in one particular place is like never having changed in any place at all.

have been slack. time is money. something. so here are the fragments i half scribbled from the last few weeks:

sat

i left my books in a bookshop for storage. i was afraid people in the shop might think they were for sale on the shelves, so i checked with the guy and told him no that's fine sell them for £15.

tues

i was being hunted so i went to cumbria to hide. alec parked my car for me. he parked over a bug and it was trapped in his footrest or the rear door. then miles came and read me his film script which he knew off by heart. he goes swimming with mum and dad. miles writes me a letter about how not talking to people and having too much space is fine. we are closer. questions questions and i feel reassured.

sat 5th

welcome to the doll house

mon 7th

what were we doing in auschwitz? i was making cakes. the old men said they'd had enough. then we walked up hills and there were bogs everywhere and motorways. and i was at work.

weds

the poor black lab with the flies weeping out of the sore under his eye. i go to help the man more and he tells me i can help in the kitchen. all the boys came. claire nodded to me, turned and went upstairs. she didn't want to disturb me.

sun 13

we were prisoners we were slaves we are going to be executed then the boss a kind silverhaired old man says no, and set us free. i fell asleep with joel in my arms we were saved. enormous halls all shiny and silver. we drive away through the snow slides and susie never got the chance to embroider the lace on the front of the nightgown she made me.

tues 15

they came round to play with me in my head. i finally played a song and they left because my amp was too small. so i went mad at the boy. he backed down. i am okay.

today

Ben's leaving do in topsham/Los Angeles. everyone was worried about how the different people would get on - topsham folk, boyz from the hood and ramblers in gators who would win? i went to the last pub first and worked my way backwards to find them. mum was making cucumber sandwiches.


will try to update regliar-like soon...

this was the following friday...:

we're going to the opera only we're ten minutes late so we have to wait by the doors for one of the songs to finish. lauren bacall is late too. she arrives by helicopter which lets her out in the middle of the actual stage. she doesn't understand what's going on. silly lauren. everyone knows she's old.

house above beach. dog in garden with bird. big snake - dad ran out to save the dog and bring him in. seeing lots of fish on bicycles. tiny. maybe an inch in height each. i'm trying to take their photos.

lots of toys and silly games being launched into the sea. i'm going to sail the atlantic with bryan.

jess uncovers a mystery about a shed where a man used to gas people to death. they think i'm jewish and lock me up in the attic with all the others.

it's all good fun and games.





that was tuesday last week. i'll catch up on the rest soon...