no dream. well something. i don't remember.

i'm watching courtney love on a tv screen take heroine then get eaten out by a waiter in the bar we're in. i'm in there with some guys who want to take me to lunch. they're talking about self-esteem and i feel like crying only i know they just want to play me. at the end i wake up and slowly set fire to my bedroom carpet, which i then have to pat out by hand. then i wake up for real.

this morning's scribble:

iceland course party train everyone outside to line up on bridge. I'm the only one. go back in to change and fall in on my way. team leader man is there like a warden or a nazi officer. Go in. everyone else is showering. i borrow ashley retter's razor and begin to shave my legs in front of everyone, over a filthy old disused urinal. BB is doing the same over there.

who does what in what order sailing position

then everyone had to plot their position. change into black tie ballgowns

then we get to shore nick's tidying bin bags full away crew have to watch brass band play. I stand on the sidelines smoking a cigarette. I see nick finish up and crack open the beers.

it's impossible to eat an orange right after talking to him you wake up.



so...

i remember falling in. and the urinal. and nick and the bin bags. but none of the rest sparks any memories in me and it was only about twelve hours ago.

i scrawled this down on paper when i woke up this morning.

on holiday. Murderers. 2 of them. somewhere foreign. we could see them running up around in the hills and the trees. like billy mahonie. The others didn't seem to mind so much that people kept dying.

no dreams.

so i had this revelation today. okay. not revelation. what i mean is, i've heard this lots before. and i've heard people agree and disagree, strenuously, respectively. different age age age whatever... and i paid no major attention either way. i've read books with it in and thought "oh cool" and immediately after though "who gives a shit". maybe not even that consciously. i didn't KNOW it, so i didn't think about caring.

so
this is NOTHING new to ANYONE.

memories are NOT linear.

thoughts are NOT linear.

life may have an illusion of chronology, but it is NOT linear.

and that seemed like a really cool thing to suddenly ACTUALLY appreciate and realise. and then i thought that okay: if memories are not linear and thoughts are not linear and life is not linear then


there's no such thing as a clean slate.


and you have to carry around all the things that you've done and who you were and all these terrible things — you really DO have to carry them around with you until you die.


i'd wanted to write more about this, but on reflection it would be even more ridiculous than it already seems. no slate no fowl. no foul no hamstring. no leg no toaster. no slate no

whatEVER.

etc until the early hours...

i made that error. i told two people i know about this.

i shouldn't have done that.

i was climbing a tree. there was lots of snow around. then i slipped and caught my trouser leg on a branch. i kind of slid over the outside of the tree, at the ends of the branches, back down to the ground. my dog was barking. i was thinking "but you died in 1997". my uncle, in perfect english, introduced to me to two middle-aged men who were standing underneath. one of them said "oh i say".

before all that: i'd sent an email to some of my friends about something very important. i can't remember what. almost immediately i got a phonecall from craig saying "well that only works if we'd been up kissing all night". "oh yes. we haven't done that have we? i'm sorry" i said. and he hung up.

but that was at the very start of the dream. i don't remember how i got to be climbing trees. i know we were going to see a big house, but i don't remember why. it was like Mark going to see the villa in "Profondo Rosso" which i was watching before i went to bed last night.

i'm not comfortable with sharing sex dreams yet. especially when they concern friends.

but it was good.

dream last night. i was hanged. like at the end of dancer in the dark. except less singing. had a big standy-uppy box thing strapped around me, and they put a noose round my neck. i heard the trapdoor open and i fell through. felt my neck break. like a quiet snap. like snapping a dairy milk chocolate bar in half. then they cut me down. took the box off. they didn't cut the rope off, just sliced it through below my neck, so i still had the basic noose bit around my throat. they loosened it though. and underneath the stage was this whole club type place. sort of dim-lighting-dank type club. and everyone was walking around with these severed nooses on them. and everyone seemed okay with this. i was okay with this. actually, it was pretty much the same feeling as i have normally when i go to a club. everyone was just wandering. it was just fine.

best dream ever. this was ages ago. i was in a film. not just one but lots. like a big epic. (what other kind?) i know at one point i was a bond girl. svelte and gorgeous. placing chips and i kept winning. then it was like mission impossible (not that i've ever seen it, but it's what i imagine) — guns and riding and adrenalin all over the place. then some other films. changing dimensions and levels of perception. i remember a submarine. then it was like speed, on a bus. except that me and my friends were on the bus recovering from whatever epic scene we'd just left, then we realised. knew it was going to crash. i can't remember how i got out. i think the bus blew up as i was trying to get out of it. and i know i was blown into a jungle. and i landed in the mud and it was darkness. and then i heard steps. and i knew it was jurassic park and a t-rex was sneaking up behind me, hungry and intrigued. i knew (because i've seen the film of course) that when t-rexes are sneaking up on you, you should keep dead still, because if you don't move they can't see you. so in my dream i knew this. and i was terrified. and all buzzy from the other epic bits, but i kept completely still. and it crept up to me. i could feel its breath on my neck. it was so strong it almost blew me over, but i stood my ground. i could hear it there, being confused. breathing. then it kinda got bored and stalked away. and i exhaled. i'd beaten the t-rex. i'd won. then i woke up. and i carried that dream with me for days and days and days. "i beat a fucking t-rex".

it was cool.