there is lots of fighting in oxford and cambridge - i'm living in oxford. i drive over to cambridge to see a friend. the news is full of it. looks like the biggest riots we've seen for ages. we're all terrified. there's a flood of people trying to leave the city but the roads are being systematically destroyed. then my mum calls and tells me it's all died down in oxford so it's safe to come home. i suddenly realise how alone i will be after she dies - who else will tell me where the fighting isn't? then suddenly i'm richard from "richard and judy" and we've just had ourselves on the show. as the credits roll i fall on my ass and say "thanks for joining us". our other selves look entirely unimpressed.

i'm looking down into a concrete lake from a thin iron bridge, standing next to supergirl. we're watching two turtles try to swim their way out and in the end one of them starts to climb the vertical walls. "pretty neat" she says, but i'm horrified because i know what she's thinking - she wants to fly off to destroy evil and leave the turtles fending for themselves. just then the climbing turtle loses his grip and falls back down and lands on his back, legs waving in the air. she leaves, and i try to clamber down to help the turtle.

poppy and i went sailing in london, france. well, we went walking along the beach and got picked up in the water by some of our friends. then, halfway out of the estuary we thought we should swim back, so poppy and i got into the water. it was tropical, sort of.

poppy had flippers and a snorkel, but i just kept diving down with my eyes open. there were ducks swiming in the water smiling at me, and seals, deeper down at the bottom, looking like labradors. other animals - dolphins, different kinds of fish, then bigger creatures too, strange things that i don't have a name for. then i was breathing under water and, looking up, i couldn't see the surface any more.

edit: i remember other cute animals that we were swiming with - there was a shoal of rabbits. they were a bit skittish.

in an empty house in the middle of the woods. i believe it belongs to my parents. i want to watch tv. the woman there tells me the woods are filled with dinosaurs, and that my parents have bought a dangerous dinosaur called a "dong". "what?" i ask her. i lock myself in the house, a little confused.

then it occurs to me that maybe there's already a dinosaur inside the house. or maybe small ones can get in through the catflap. so i decide to leave the front door unlocked so i can escape easily. but, as i go over to it, it occurs to me that if i unlock it then even more dinosaurs might get in, and i stand by the door for the longest time just trying to work out whether i'd rather leave it locked and potentially get trapped inside the house because the key is too small and fiddly to use easily, or whether i should unlock it and possibly die with an ironic smirk on my face which said "if only i hadn't unlocked the door, the raptors never would have gotten in and eaten me." in the end i leave it locked, but with the key in the door. it further occurs to me at this point that raptors might be smart enough to do that thing where you poke paper under the door, then use a hairgrip to push the key out of the lock on the other side and slide it towards you on the paper, but by this point i'm getting a bit bored so i go back to the tv.

lizzie bought a dead crab in a plastic box to eat, and i made her promise not to bring it here so that jim's crab wouldn't be offended. at the same time i booked a bus from hamburg to brehmerhaven, a town i recognise only through reference in The Sound Of Music, only the woman on the phone doesn't tell me where to pick up my ticket after I've paid. we're sat round the table then, and i only have four days left.

escaping me from off a boat on a boat, up a big underwater tunnel like roger moore. the pipe was blocked though so we only just made it after lots of pushing and almost running out of breath, and as we get on board we say to John Rhys-Davis that "we only gave you one simple job to do and you fucked it up". and he smiles back at us jovially.

the night before the night before last all of london was 10 ft under water and we rowed around buckingham palace, sliding the boat over the gates. and the water was 10ft above the land (exactly as it curves and everything) at all times and so we were up and down and sliding around in relation to the ground, not in a proper gravitational fashion. we couldn't get up to any of the tall buildings because the water was only available from the ground up, and not on any of their sides.

nazis. adolf hitler is holding me hostage in the basement, along with four others, and we cannot get out. we get him to go downstairs, and consider trapping him in the under-basement, but then get too scared. eventually the war ends and he flees, but he does not die.

my friend and i are then imprisoned in a different dungeon, and the only way out is to telephone the elderly jailer and tell her the name of the correct song title. i tell her one and she starts to laugh, then she sings down the phone at me. apparently mine doesn't sound enough like brighton seafront. she's a sadist.

then, my cell-mate announces that she's going on holiday for two weeks, so i decide that this will be the perfect opportunity to make my escape. in the dream, it doesn't occur to me that i should just request holiday time too and then just avoid going back.

i go to a stables run by anthony stewart head and he invites me in smiling. he's not wearing glasses. on an island reminiscent of mariokart and we're looking for a boy of some description, but it's really bad and the weather's wrong and i don't think we know how to find him

i'm a witch flying around london with a friend. we get into buckingham palace. we disgard black robes and cats and then in order to escape we run, leap and take off. we fly through the light and everybody sees us but we never stay long enough to care to hear what they are saying about us.

something about girls dying in the pond behind the big house. hugh dennis comes to give a talk about lots of people we haven't heard of. john walker asks where everyone is.

a couple of nights ago my friends and i were camped out in the woods in a woody allen film looking for bears. we were trying to teach them how to dig, but then realised they didn't need our help when we saw one ski past us joyfully.

in a taxi with a whitehaired italian man who is telling me about how it will take him years to learn english properly. he is talking with all the words in the wrong order, but i still understand him. i tell him that this is what learning language means: to be able to communicate creatively so as to tell people things in a new way.

directing a play but as i'm still working it fails to move through preliminary rehearsals - too many phonecalls interrupting. after that i stop working and start co-directing a play about death with nick. there are no actors. nick starts bragging foolishly about the book of the dead to some passing tourists i suspect may have been spies, and i bump into a rabbi in the library who looks at me knowingly. our book of the dead is different and after we finish we won't need any more religion. we stop worrying about copyright and start working in earnest.

i was at a rowing competition with karen and catherine. while everyone was racing, i went upstairs in the mill and dragged a boy down who had fallen asleep in a sack. he was pissed off that i'd woken him up and i made him join in the festivities.

then i was going out with a silverhaired boy in fellini's rome and he was from an asylum. i almost got arrested by a policeman when my carthorse was helping me take supplies down the main street. then i went to visit my boyfriend who seemed to be fast asleep in the waiting room at the asylum, and realised i was really late for university classes. he said "it's okay, my friend sorted out a doctor's note for you" but when i try and leave an orderly stops me saying, "patients can't go out like that". they think i'm a real patient and i'm not allowed out again, and when they take me to my cell i try really hard not to struggle, because i know they'll think i'm violent and never let me out. once in the cell, however, i am under restraints and keep moaning in claustrophobic fear.

after i wake up i instinctively know that boyfriend rigged the whole thing deliberately so i wouldn't leave him, even though i don't realise this in the dream. the fuck.

something about the goat that was special. all the cows were turning into boys. tried to explain to dad i was eating meat again. but he was fixated with the goat for some reason.

everyone into the sea and swim through the harbour gates. the waves rising black and terrible above us. bianca asks me "what way up am i pointing?" and i can't answer.

won a competition at work. the prize was a corn-on-the-cob. and all i thought was: "oh. but i bought corn at sainsbury's earlier."

the woman from the garricks turned to being only one foot high in work after revealing that she didn't know what a pdf was. my friends took me out and on a plane ride but we had to crash land twice to reset certain instruments. after the second time i just got out to find the train. i was there with chris and we had some kind of argument about smoking (i think) and i stormed off saying something like "it's tragic how childish i am". the space between the train and the platform dropped for a million miles but i found a seat at last.

franka had to park the car like a rocket launcher, only she parked it so steeply that we rolled backwards onto the car's top. lucking italian cars are manufactured for such eventualities and we were able to right ourselves just by swinging the handbreak.