(as scrawled):
asking everyone to shut up. talking in written sentences. big house and garden what do i know? they blamed the family tree and it stopped growing and then it was done. it was me

so last night kieron was on the front cover of the sunday times writing about good sex. that's the main bit i remember. there was something else about surprise and a gun fight, but i think that was someone else.

i'm adrift in the fog, sailing dead away from the only big boat i know to be here. i know i need to go back because i'll die in this mist, but i don't want to. back to the boat is back to university, and some people i wasn't expecting to see again were there, refusing to answer my questions, with new hair and different lives. there was more. at one point i am back at university, looking out at the sea, and i see the little boat that i was in, and the patch of fog i was stranded in. it looks like such a small boat, and the mist is localised around it. it wasn't really very much, i just couldn't see from inside. i smoked a cigarette in a tunnel, and talked to him through a wire fence, like a concentration camp. i don't know if i was in or out. he looked terrible. i had to pack for another journey i think too.

find a shortcut home. sit on motorcycle in a pond. water reaches halfway up the tyres but it's floating, not touching the bottom, and i'm revving it up. i send down depth charges to explode all the fish. i see crisp packets come up. then i'm running through the forest and i scare all the hairy pigs. they scatter like pigeons and i feel sad.

had one of those nauseating days - you know. one of those days where you feel happy to be alive. and happy to know the people you know. and sad because you know you'll miss them. but happy because you know they'll miss you too. sun wasn't even shining much today. it was cold. and i walked a lot. and i had fun. FUN. like, actual fun. got into a canoe into a lake and sat and paddled and talked and threw chocolate at other people in other canoes. it wasn't like my life at all. it was wonderful.

i feel dirty

fucking F-word

i killed someone. "i shot him" i said. "don't worry," someone else says, "i have kitchen roll."

george w bush is in charge and he's leading us through this hotel type thing. he's sort of yapping. we're all at dinner and he only talks to the boy who's just admitted cheating on his girlfriend. george says he likes boys who like fucking. he ignores the girls so we go up to a room on the top floor and sit round throwing a bit of scrunched up turkey meat at each other. i am bored and the next time someone throws it at me i decide to skim it out of the window. this is fine except that we're quite high up and the turkey ball increases in size as it drops. i don't see it, but i hear the thump as it hits someone on the head, and we all hear the yelling and the splash as the person has fallen into the fountains. someone says "i think we just entered a wheelbarrow" and we all laugh like it's the end of a famous five story.

lots of dreams. i think i'm going to be having lots more now. in one i was jaundiced but it was okay. and i was late. but that was okay too. i've managed to completely forget all of the interesting bits. won't next time.

everyone had arms that were grabbing out at me and their faces were all blurred. have a vague sense of music sort of passing by with lots of bass.

i don't remember much. but every time i got woken up by the alarm i'd go straight back to sleep again. 3 times. and each time something worse happened. i don't remember much. a garden. people laughing too much. patronising advice about my job. an exam. i just remember the flowers in the garden and how they smelt really pretty.

everyone was really freaked out but i knew it was innocent. everyone thought it was his own son, and they thought it was sick but i knew that it really WAS his own son and it wasn't bad and it wasn't about sex and it wasn't bad. but no one else knew this. they were repulsed. a six year old kissing an "older" man on the lips. people thought it was bad. it wasn't. it was beautiful. it was his son. and i ran away. and i danced in the trees and i was singing. and i didn't want to go back.

WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY
WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY

George Bush Jnr
3.15am
in the year of his lord two thousand and today
20/3/3

WE WILL ACCEPT NO OUTCOME BUT VICTORY

why haven't i remembered any of my dreams this week? i just think of guns. we went to war today. and my cousin had her first baby. the first baby in my family for about twenty years. why haven't i remembered any of my dreams this week? it's not a war. it's just hostilities. semantics r gd.

yaaaaaaaay

straight after the night before - maybe an hour later i woke up to this:

"get off with nothing much. but there was someone else.

watched someone else tell him he had the car crash by letting the handbrake off on purpose as he undid the noose.

i cried then i remembered what had happened. i had made him put the noose on in the back of the car at gunpoint. i released the handbrake.

smallest village. cannot get out."

fri morn 14th march 03

dream 5:31 am

It is a nightmare I am in. Starts like the Luzhin defence. I am main female character. Then meet him. We kiss and talk. Then i overhear him say "I'm going to kill her". Then one day he comes up to me and threatens me. So I go to my friends' house to eat, and tell them about this, and begin to work myself into a frenzy. I even know how he's going to kill me. I explain to them a dream I've had where he jams the hook from a coathanger into my neck. And then I'm almost hysterical and look in the corner of the room there's a dark curtain. I try to kick it to one side. I'm convinced he will be hiding behind it. My friends exchange worried glances and try to calm me down. Then the door behind the curtain opens and three men do come through. I cannot see the face of the third man until he is right next to me and it is him and i scream and fall back, edging back from him, screaming, certain he is about to kill me
somehow he gets behind me. i am terrified but all he wants to do is get past me. he holds a coathanger hook in his hand which accidentally gets caught in a fold in my dress, by my shoulder, to the point where he lifts me up entirely then it rips through my dress. by this stage I realise everyone is laughing. I am no longer scared. now i am horrified - in shock. as he moves to disentangle the hook he looks like the straight confused man - like stan laurel or something. and everyone laughs even more (including dad). he is embarrassed. i am in shock. i run into the kitchen. i come back. Everyone is tidying the mess I made, making a mountain of potatoes down one end of the room from where they had rolled everywhere. [suddenly i'm reminded of Charley's studio] and the show's over and everyone's just tidying up. there are no prawns but someone says to his daughter "oh well, we'd better get another prawn set out of mummy's cupboard" and the little girl says "Mummy has a prawn farm" and the father nods and I wake up.

dear god i dream some rambling shite... but it's kinda cool. don't need to worry about what i put up here, because it's all honest and real. not actually trying to impress or unimpress. they're just my dreams so it doesn't matter. it's just me.

yesterday morning's scribbles from my diary by my bed:

cella, 2 kittens
gift
place to stay
lampeter
trying to find tuckshop

outaikoo sailing round miniature western isles
see really pretty girls there who had just never wanted to leave
kittens boisterous

to look at it now looks like a riot.

2 books each end death
everybody's trying to kill everyone

someone in my dream last night told me to watch the film they're making of prozac nation. but we were going on a journey so in the end there wasn't time.

i'm staying at kieron's house when the police knock on the door then burst in to search for cocaine. we are all a bit anxious about this. apart from kieron who wanders round grinning at all the policemen asking them if they'd like a cup of tea. they're all rushing round ripping up his place ignoring him, so kieron keeps asking them if they'd like tea anyway. he gives me a comic to calm me down. it's about sacrifice. then i decide to go and stay at my friend vicky's house. i walk out and i'm on some random generic university campus. i keep choosing different paths to walk up but i keep seeing shadowy figures who i know are rapists so i have to navigate around them. can't remember whether i reach vicky's house or not.

been away for the weekend. too drunk to dream. or at least the shock of daylight was too much for me to try and cope with remembering any. probably would just have been about eating spring rolls from a beer glass anyway.

last night though. we were sharing a room. that was nice. just watching telly and stuff. well, actually, just watching telly. i'm sure there was a plot to it but that's all i remember.

the pillows were nice i think.

no dream. well something. i don't remember.