we are on a boat, holidaying at an island owned by people who organise the entertainments for most of the UK's universities. some strange creatures on the island have been stealing children from the humans there, in the hope that we will purchase some while we are visiting. we usher them back into the jungle, chanting "take it back, take it back, take it back"

there's a maze on the island made of doors and the key to the centre is looking down, not up, and sliding down a rope slide to get the the basement centre. down there, some of the owners of the island are very happy to see me when i get there, as are two or three of the boys who have made it. then, suddenly, we realise that the centre holds many large containers with entertainments hardware and software - karaoke, dance dance revolution, something with drinks and something with chickens.

a distant memory occurs of being told that ddr is so expensive, the owners ploughed all their money into buying as many units of it as they could. I realise there is only one container there. immediately i realise it's a scam for money laundering, and, suddenly, it also strikes me that the owners now have something of the mobster about them. maybe it's because one of them is Tony Soprano. we realise they're drug traffickers, so we all scatter and start to run, but they start shooting and one of the boys is killed.

we find places to hide, but once the air clears and we return, the mobsters, the entertainments canisters, the maze, are all gone. the only person we see getting into her car is Joan Cusack, with two children. refusing to give us a lift after we imply she has stolen or bought someone else's children (I don't know why they couldn't have just been hers), she drives away at full speed. we must find the boat.

jess and i have gone swimming. rich is there too, alternating taking work phonecalls with doing butterfly strokes. in the corner of the shallow end of the pool is The Greek from season 2 of The Wire, eating an omelette with fennel in it. i am translating the season into Italian for the producers, and his next line is meant to be "look what they put in my omelette - why do they put fennel in an omelette?" and I am shocked. "Do you mean to say the writers have presumed that an elderly gentleman of European origin such as yourself would not like Fennel? How absurd!" we decide to change the line for the Italian dubbers, knowing that such a thing would entirely destroy the whole series' credibility in the Italians' eyes.

I'm doing stretches in my flat, getting funny looks from the teenagers stood outside the gym opposite. They're all looking down, watching some sort of gladiatorial fight, but the odd person keeps glancing over at me, unnerving me. I decide to get away, so I go on holiday for two weeks with the girls, somewhere warm. We go diving underwater and are obsessed with one tall creature, about 20 metres high, that spits venom and looks a little like an anemone dandelion. We keep swimming round it in circles to poke it with our diving equipment. On leaving the water, everyone is obsessed with finding out what it's called. After much discussion with our diving instructor we realise that it is a mythical being, and should not exist. We decide to return the next day with cameras. Bianca makes an excel photodiary of our pictures, and, right at the end, Kate has trouble locating the lightswitch in the utility room.

we escaped, even though they were trying to kill us. i got very good at dodging the man throwing hand grenades at me - run towards him, run to the left, run back, run to the right... anyway then i was acting like a murderer, because my friend who they'd killed had left £100,000 in the steam train they used to film Back To The Future III, so I climbed aboard and stole it (it was disguised as an old wooden music box), along with the murder weapon. I thought about handing the weapon over to the police, but immediately was afraid of someone planting fake evidence in my flat while I went to the police station. I ended up hiding the knife in the kitchen, but unfortunately I couldn't make the music box play.

on the night the lib dems win the general election i decide to run away. i book a room in a motel, only i'm placed with two men who i think want to sleep with me. instead, i go and hide in my grandmother's back garden. i stand in a waist-high wading pool, more a tall bucket, then see that she's actually home. i put out my cigarette and let myself in. i don't see her, only two men who had come to visit her with yellow teeth. so instead i go to meet jess in town. she and kate are going to a nightclub and jess has a thin blue scarf wrapped in and out of her toes like a snake. i don't want to go clubbing.

resident evil 4 is real. my friends and i are in an opening scene (not real) prior to the one in-game, which is set in a spanish city. we are shopping in the midst of a large crowd in a pedestrianised section of the town, waiting for the actual game to start. a bell tolls slowly. all the shoppers turn to face the same direction and head towards a large church that's just appeared at the end of the road. they are carrying banners and ceremonial masks. the rest of us hang back to figure out what we should try to do. we pull out guns from our boutique bags and head inside. there are mirrored doors everywhere, but none of us are scared and we bolt through the house, knocking heads from zombies as though they're only attached by blu-tak. the closer we get to the top the more suspense we feel, and the enormous climax comes at the peak of a very narrow staircase. unfotunately i can't remember what it was.

as i go into the school hall, i know my three friends, one of whom i'm related to, are going to stab me in the back. i put my hand to the small of my back in preparation for the blow. as the three knives go in they each hurt me in slightly different ways. my back feels as though it is a gaping hole, empty and weak.

they leave me there for dead, bleeding all over the floor. but i'm not dead, and somehow manage to pull myself up and stagger zombie-like to a top floor flat in brooklyn where my now much-more-than-usual italian mother makes me a cup of tea. i have to hide under a table in the living room when the mafia friends that stabbed me come over to lie to her about what happened. i could fight, but i am still weak, and i cannot go to a doctor or they will find me. i say goodbye to my parents forever and tell them i can never contact them without putting them in danger so i just won't.

later, when i get more strength, i go to a restuarant in town and find angela lansbury and tell her everything that happened and she says "well, you know... in your position my dear, what i would really do is run, as far as you can go." i decide not to run away, however, and as i leave the room i open a fake door which is 30 stories up and i drop down to the ground. the city is a rabbit hole, and i feel my wounds shrink into painless scars the size of paperclips.

jess and i are at sea, on a grey day, and the weather is bad so we realise we're not going to make it home. i leave her and decide to go into space, but i have to go to a preliminary meeting first. At this meeting someone sees a small alien, the Sigourney Weaver variety, which I recognise from the film and proceed to tell everyone we should kill it. Everyone is apathetic, not wanting to be shown up in front of the others. Eventually I get a portly policeman to help me scorch it, except unfortunately it manages to get away at the last minute. It gets lost in the crowd, the policeman shrugs, and I go over to a group of the mission potentials and say: this mission is doomed, you know, we'll all come back with aliens inside us. The others say they don't mind though - (aren't aliens caught by sharing saliva anyway? we can avoid that) - they just want to go into space even if it kills them. (It WILL kill them) Ah, I say. Well I'll leave you to it then. The whole affair feelt thoroughly english as I walked away.

i was given a dalmatian, which i had to keep under the operating table because he was scared. eventually i was forced to leave it there, something about the job, and i went home crying about it, incredulous that i could have abandoned it like that. then one of my flatmates brought the dog home to our small yellow room, bleeding, and unconscious, but alive. he handed it to me, and it got smaller as he passed it over, and once it was in my hands i turned the pages of its body and read what had happened to it in my absence and cried again.

we were snowboarding indoors through some kind of marshmallowy substance which made it very difficult to turn but very easy to stop. eventually I did better by putting more weight on my back foot. we got to the bottom of the tunnels to a long footpath that led to a huge tree village. on getting to the trees we had to run and hide because the orcs were coming. the two elderly people everyone hated found a wedding chapel and got married quickly, knowing they were going to die, and everyone found it cute even though we hated them. we rushed to the top of the highest tree in the village only to find that it had been turned into an irish-themed bar, so everyone drank stout, wearing dark hats, while we waited for the orcs to find us.

i visit bianca in hamburg and she is preparing to get married. before, she wants to finish her short story about a grey-haired woman who married the wrong person and remained for ever in love with another man. i remember how to say good morning and buy cigarettes from a kiosk at the train station. i don't remember how to say Chewing Gum.

we play golf with some very respectable strippers who are slowly taken away in a lorry one by one as the game progresses. the course takes us over a small fishing harbour, along the sea wall lined with seagulls. then we are left at the end of the course in a building housing a huge corporation. i lead my friend out as we are chased by men (i know the secret exit through the basement because at familiarisation they showed it to us so we were prepared for terrorist and zombie attacks).

I was sent back in time and ended up in the holocaust. I was trapped in tunnels, and knew I was being hunted by nazis. Something struck me on the head and when I woke up I was in a pile of corpses being thrown into a mass grave. I managed to crawl away, though my bones ached and I was suddenly painfully thin. I had been easily mistaken for a corpse. One of the people helping to throw bodies in to avoid death himself saw me and wrapped me in a blanket and took me to a group of prisoners sitting in the corner of the camp. No one would give me anything to eat as it was too difficult and they didn't want to risk themselves. Then, a nazi officer came by and carried me into his home - an odd wooden underground lodge with no furniture, but very clean. He said he'd look after me for the rest of the war and asked me when I'd last eaten. I said I hadn't eaten since the first year because someone had starved me intentionally. He said it was okay. He knew I wasn't meant to be there. That he was a time traveller too and would make sure I got back to my own time once it was safe to leave. In the meantime, there were dark, large monsters underground, and I had to sit in the clean wooden room alone.

i own a big lassie-type-dog who is standing on his back feet in the next room face punching velociraptors.

walking past a field, i saw a girl, scared, inside it. i made eye contact with her and she smiled, stopped running, and walked over to me. "you made me feel safe" she said. "actually, i used my powers to make that tree make you feel safe" i said. we walked through the field together, down to the water's edge, where we saw three teenaged boys trying to bury the body of a girl in the mud. we didn't know what to do, so we smiled at them and pretended not to see, and kept walking. i felt sure something bad was going to happen to the girl i found, so i took her to see my family, who drove us to japan in the 1700s. we saw junks in the bay from the top of a mountain, and greener sat in the back being shown how to play a puzzle game the wrong way.

jonty and i sit on a bench in the park area in front of the town hall, chatting, in Hill Valley on November 12th 1955. when the storm comes we sit surrounded by the threat of lightning but know, naturally, exactly where it will strike. we watch the clock tower get hit and the subsequent disappearance of the De Lorean from a very pleasing angle that wasn't in the film.

going back to topsham we looked towards the estuary and watched the waters explode into wavy palaces. tall and dancing, flecked in deep grey and purple, they looked ready to crash, but my friend put the car in gear and we drove away. i put the music on but i can't remember what it was. maybe some kind of getaway music?

we had to move the bed i sleep in, but in order to do this, it had to have a series of small fires lit on it. daz helped me to light nine fires, in sequence, anti-clockwise around the bed. the bed span in a circle as we did this. once we'd finished this and put them out again one by one, the bed was in a forest, and i got inside and went to sleep.

i was standing in a bathtub, back pressed against cold tiles, watching my mother give birth to me. there were lots of other people in the room. she was afraid. she knew i would tear her body apart and she was afraid. then, suddenly, she pushed, and i was born, covered in blood, amidst blood, smiling. she got out of the bath, gave me to myself, and left, saying something like "it's your job to look after this now".

also i ended up going to a writer's conference on jersey with my friend jess, and in the room next to ours we could hear jane calling out the viewing times for jonathan creek to kieron. *shrugs*

i killed hitler. it was great. i was out with my dad, then hitler came along wearing a 1940s dress (which made sense), then my dad said we had to go, then i killed him.